I Said No

2011-11-24T21:43:00.002Z

Tonight was my last night at Applied Kilovolts. Hoping the shift will return in the future though.

2011-11-16T22:03:00.000Z

Well I got the job, and it's pretty horrible, very pressured, and it made me ache horribly on Monday after two days of it. Trying to tell myself it won't be forever, but I can't see a time when I won't need it.

2011-11-09T13:14:00.000Z

It's been a while, so a little update - more for myself when I read this back in the future than anything. I was recently told that my twilight shift was finishing, which was a bit of a blow, especially as I'm a bit unhappy in my day job now. Applied Kilovolts was light relief after a bad day, and we're all a bit gutted. They have given us a months notice though (very good of them and very much appreciated), and I have been desperately looking for either something to replace it, or something to replace my day job (or even both), and then today I got a phone call from World of Books telling me I could come in for a work trial on Saturday. I will be working from 8 until 4 on Saturdays and Sundays (if the trial goes ok), which I suppose isn't ideal, but needs must. And I will soon have my evenings back.

2011-09-16T20:17:00.000+01:00

I've finally got mud on the wheels of my bike! After well over ten years of use, I have taken it off road for the first time. I've always shied away from trying it because I thought it would be so difficult, but I should have known that for a 21 speed bike it would be easy! I had today booked off work (a sudden decision because of the lovely weather) and I cycled all the way up to Cissbury Ring without stopping, and stayed up there over two hours, most of it sitting in a tree! Work was harsh yesterday so this was the best thing I could have done for my mental well-being. Really stunning day.

RIP my twelve year old Stanley knife

2011-08-03T08:32:00.000+01:00

Twelve years and five work places. I was just about to strip it and repaint it as well.

Can you name this Cartoon?

2011-07-31T14:52:00.000+01:00

The artist took twenty minutes to do this. Since my work address changed I haven't been through here much, and I didn't know that this artist has taken to creating a new artwork on this wall every week.

2011-07-23T21:10:00.000+01:00

I've completed two weeks in my new job now and am none the worse for it. I've only found that I need to eat a few more calories now in order to maintain my weight, as I'm cycling for an extra half hour and working on my feet for an extra three hours a day. It's no problem though.

I'm just settling in for the night now with the BBC Proms. How very relaxing.

2011-07-17T15:38:00.001+01:00

Just got back from Chichester where I bought some Christmas presents, so I can spread it out a little, and watched the last Harry Potter film. It was very emotional, and one death scene in particular was quite distressing. I began to tear up but then didn't allow myself to cry in that very public place and was left with just a runny nose which I had to wipe a few times surreptitiously. A lot was changed but I was happy with most of the changes, and I am sure that if Jo hadn't been they wouldn't have happened. There was one omission that disappointed me, but all in all I thought they did a terrific job of it. Only it left me feeling a little hollow and now I'm listening to Jeff Buckley and wallowing!

I completed the first week of my new evening job without any trouble. As I had hoped it is very basic and requires barely any thought, so I can just go there for three hours a night and take the money gratefully.

2011-07-09T13:05:00.000+01:00

I've changed the washer on my cold kitchen tap this morning - a job I should have done long ago. Quite please with myself now though. I've viewed a flat in Lancing. It was really a lovely lovely flat. Tonnes of light, and lots of storage. Kitchen twice as big as my present one, and the potential for improvement by replacing the very old units and the equally old bathroom. Ground floor, and has a door to a private patio. But the patio is at the front. I think it's too much to spend to lose the privacy I have now. Watching the F1 now, but I've got so much to do around the flat that my head is in danger of exploding. I just don't know where to start!

Alan Rickman and getting a new job

2011-07-07T18:46:00.008+01:00

I got home just in time tonight to see the eternally gorgeous Alan Rickman turn up on the red carpet at the world premier of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows pt2, and it's not a bad end to a day where I have just been offered a job! I only called about it this morning, and this afternoon as I was on my way home I got confirmation. It's a second job on top of my present one, and (as long as I get along with it) I'll be working 6 till 9pm Mondays through Thursdays. Should make things a bit easier financially, and I should sleep well after 12 hour days.
...and now back to the premier. I must close my mouth and stop making unusual unintelligible sounds.

Pembrokeshire, Wales

2011-07-02T09:47:00.019+01:00

I've been back from Wales for nearly a week and have not written this till now. It's the mark of a good book that can keep me picking it up at every opportunity, keep me from writing up my holiday, and even keep me from turning on BBC Breakfast in the mornings because I just need to read a bit more. I am of course re-reading the Harry Potter books at the moment. When I started them only about three weeks back I didn't think I'd be anywhere near the end before the last film came out, but I've just started the sixth book and it's only the beginning of July. I've come to realise after nearly 32 years that I have it in me to have brief obsessive periods about things. Doesn't do me any good though - I am beginning to feel depressed now because I'm getting near the end.

This is the town of New Quay on the west coast which we visited on our third day. On our first day we visited the National Showcaves Centre for Wales which had three show caves, an Iron Age farm, a Dinosaur park, Museum and Shire Horse centre and farmyard. It was excellent.

We walked from our campsite on the coast path along to Fishguard, which as Dad told me is where they filmed a little of Moby Dick. We watched the film after we'd got home, and I wasn't really getting along with it until the end when the whale won and everyone died except the narrator. Excellent. Not having ever read the book, I didn't know how it ended, and I just assumed that due to the arrogant nature of man at the time when it was written that the poor thing would get slaughtered and everyone would be slapping themselves on their backs. Not so! Dandad (my Granddad) did the catering for the cast and crew while they were there (he taught catering at the Westminster College), and we have photos of the cast with the cake that they made to celebrate the end of filming.

We moved down to Marloes on the penninsular west of Milford Haven and stayed in another campsite right on the cliffs. From here we took the boat over to Skomer Island to see the birdlife.

This was the evening after we returned from the island when Dad and I took a walk up on the peninsular. The boats which we could see all laying at anchor in the bay were waiting to go round into Milford Haven when called, and we saw them move round on their anchors with the tides - the second picture was taken early the following morning when we had to get up to apply for Olympics tickets.

(And what a mission that was. We had to get up at half past five to drive down the road to Marloes where we could get BT Openworld on the laptop, and then I found I had to run back up the road again to get reception my mobile so I could get the one hours credit we needed. Then I found I didn't have enough credit on my phone, so I had to come back to the car for my purse so I could buy some and then try again. It was gone six before we finally got online, but of course it had crashed anyway by then. We persevered though and eventually got our selections submitted, and a couple of days later found out we had athletics! Mission accomplished! And if this all sounded a bit unnecessary, like perhaps we could have got Lib to do it for us at her place, well...we did; neither Mum and Dad nor I got allocated tickets in the first round, so we both needed to try in the second round. Lib was signed in as me back in Birmingham trying on my behalf!)

When we came home we visited Usk and it's castle where we fed seed to the resident hens and cockeral. My last morning we went into Abergavenny and walked through the meadows and the gardens and up to the castle which I hadn't been to before in all my visits.

This is the Blorenge seen from the meadows.

Queer as Folk

2011-06-03T21:23:00.004+01:00

I saw an advert for 4OD the other night saying that Queer as Folk and some other things were now on there, so the last couple of nights I've been watching it through again. I hadn't seen it for 12 years and I'd forgotten how guffaw out loud funny it was! It truly was a work of genius, and some great dance tracks in there too which take me back to a really cool time. And I remembered how I had fallen about over Aidan Gillen, the most beautiful man to ever walk on the earth. It was like every lighting setup was created just for his incredible face, and the way he used those eyes and the curl of his lip. He was intoxicating. I never noticed the name of the writer 12 years ago, Russel T Davies, so when Doctor Who came back it didn't register with me that it was the same chap (until Emma told me), but of course, the character Vince was a Doctor Who anorak - just one of the special little quirks of the instantly lovable characters that made it so watchable. Just one series and an additional two episodes and it was almost perfect.

2011-05-12T19:50:00.000+01:00

I've got a Reach Truck license again for another 3 years. 2 1/2 years since I've been on one,and it's just like riding a bike - you never forget.

Lowest tide of the year at Bognor

2011-04-04T19:25:00.003+01:00

On the 20th of April I went to Bognor to see if the rocks I saw one evening when I was teenager would be uncovered. Some time around the mid nineties I was at Dark Lane beach one afternoon when there was an unusually low tide. I walked out and ended up stepping from rock to rock - closely spaced mudstone rocks that I hadn't known existed, and when I looked down I saw a colony of Spider Crabs in the pools. A storm came in around me and I had never felt so alive! The other evening those rocks resurfaced again, but they don't protrude so far out of the sand now and are no longer a good enough home for those enormous crabs. The actual Bognor Rocks were out too, which run out from the west end of the beach in a curve to a good mile out. It was just increadible to see.

2011-04-03T21:32:00.000+01:00

I'm feeling increasingly helpless at work and unable to do any of what I am so wanting to get done. It is frustrating me and is starting to affect me. I know what needs to be done, but I need help to do it and that help is not often enough forthcoming. I had a dream the other morning before I woke. I met a man I once knew, and I linked my arm through his as we left the crowded bar together, but as we walked I realised that I was unable to keep pace and that if it weren't for the support of his arm I would have stopped. I looked down at my legs, willing them to work properly, but every step was laboured and I was only moving because I was being pulled along, although he didn't realise it. It's a while since I've had a dream like that. Sometimes I've had dreams where I have to pull myself along by my arms to get anywhere. Depending on the support of another is a new twist. And I wonder if it means I don't really know myself. All in all I prefer the dreams I have when I'm not feeling stunted and impotent. The ones where I can run freely and spin like a dancer. I can only hope that in time I will be able to have those dreams again.

2011-02-17T22:24:00.012Z

I'm reading Derren Brown's Tricks of the Mind at the moment and I came across something two nights ago that I just had to investigate. If you could keep folding a sheet of newspaper over on itself, how thick would the wad of paper be after 100 folds?

Newspaper is 76 microns thick. I made a table (click on it and view it at 400% to read it!):

If the universe is 156bn light years across then the book (which quotes another, by Sam Harris) is incorrect sadly, because it states that the stack would be 'as thick as the known universe'. A few markers, if anyone's interested:

An average house = 8m high - reached after 17 folds

Troposphere = 17km high - passed after 28 folds

The Moon = 384’400km from Earth - left behind after 43 folds

Heliopause (the point at which our solar system ends) = Approx 17’000’000’000km from Earth - is passed after 58 folds

Alpha Centauri star system (the nearest star system to us) = 40’681’141’032’097km (4.3 light years) is reached after 69 folds

The edge of our galaxy (quickest route) = 236’518’261’814’520’030km (25’000 light years) - open space reached after just 82 folds

The edge of the observable universe = 737’936’976’861’302’500’000’000 (78bn light years) is not reached.

2011-02-15T18:31:00.001Z

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Chloe is an explorer that:

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2011-02-15T18:13:00.002Z

I had a hypothetical question posed to me yesterday, that if I were offered a full time contract at JS then what pay would I like. I'm not being asked yet, I've just been asked what my thoughts are. The trouble is that after the pay rise I got recently I'm now on what I was earning at JS, but with regular bonuses on top. This means that in order for me to have the same amount left for food and the rest after the travel I would be having to pay for again, I would need to ask for more than I'm really worth. Warehouse work just can't really pay that much. I still miss working with Sam so much, but I would have to get up so early again, and get home so late. And I don't think I could take the cut in pay. I have James now, and I'm still in the red.

2011-02-01T18:25:00.000Z

I had my toe nail surgery today finally. There was a third year student in with us, making four of us in all, and it was such a giggle it was brilliant. I sat up and watched the whole thing; the side of the nail being dug out, it being cut and pulled away, and phenol soaked buds being pushed far into my toe right down to the bed and being twisted and twisted inside. It was awesome! I have now grinned my way through two surgical procedures - having lasers fired straight into my eyes, and now this. Did I go into the wrong line of work?

The JS Wrestling team

2011-01-09T17:53:00.018Z

James invited me along to the JS Christmas party on Friday night. Taxi from Worthing laid on. Black and White Masquerade theme. It was cancelled in December when the heavy snow hit and was re booked for January, which made it a nice kind of 'pick me up' for the end of the back to work week. It was so wonderful to see everyone again and I absolutely loved it.

Has Banksy come to Worthing?

2010-11-24T22:09:00.001Z

I think it appeared yesterday. I saw it but it didn't register until this morning. Of course it might not be. Who knows?

Zane Lowe played The Smiths' The Queen is Dead in full tonight as part of a week celebrating great albums on his show. I can put it on my cd player any time, but there is something about sharing a moment with the whole nation. Somebody said after on the text that they envied anyone who was just discovering them now, and I completely understood that because when I discovered them, and many other bands, it was such an exciting time for me, and moving.

2010-11-18T18:39:00.002Z

As usual, last night my James asked to be let out in the small hours, but then when he asked to come back in just five minutes later, instead of thinking something was strange, I just crawled out of bed again and let him back in like a complete dumb arse. I was back in bed drifting off again when I heard a squeak. I jumped out of bed to rescue the poor thing, but by the time I'd got the light on it was dead. James tossed it around a few times to try and make it be alive again so he could play with it, and then when it didn't work he bit down and I heard the most horrific crunch. He then ate the entire mouse. Skull, fur, legs, tail, the lot. On my carpet! And then half an hour later the bugger got me up again to go back out!

I had a good start to my week. I was cycling over to a friends when a woman opened her car door on me. My bike stopped dead and I kept going, hitting the bike in several places, later leaving bruises and swellings. But it was all ok because a split second after my bike stopped, my neck slamming into the top of the door brought me to a halt. So all's well that ends well!

2010-11-14T16:02:00.000Z

Way to go Vettel! I feel so so bad for Webber, he just looked so downcast, but a nicer chap couldn't have won. And a double win for the team too, which I'm happy about because they seem like good guys and Chritian Horner is a sweetie. My boys. Now I'm going to have to fill my weekends some other way till the new season begins!

2010-11-13T19:12:00.002Z

I watched The Social Network just now in town and it was bloody, BLOODY good!

2010-11-12T18:11:00.000Z

These last three weeks have raced by for me, and every day has been Friday again and then the weekend. I'm happy to be here again now! Although I'm not happy, I know that there are some poor people more miserable than me, and work is just one of those necessary things. The days are just rolling on now.

Since finishing Silas Marner I have read 'A History of Tractors in Ukranian' by Marina Lewycka, and I'm now a third of the way through The Lord of the Rings. That is I've just started The Two Towers. I'm not going to go into everything I read on here, I just have such a poor memory that it makes sense to me to make a note of them all. I've come to the end of my un-read books now, which is why I'm reading Tolkien again. It's one of those stories that pulls you into it so that you don't want to be anywhere else. I haven't seen The Social Network yet though, so I might take a break tonight and stroll down to the Worthing Connaught.

The F1 finishes this weekend. I hate no-one in the F1, so I don't mind who wins. Trouble is that I really want to see Jackass 3D, and as I will have to go over to Brighton for that it will probably mean my having to cut off the beginning or end of qualifying. Disaster! I really want to get to Silverstone next year, but I probably won't. For the last five years I've been saying I'll go the the Proms, but I never do. I say every year that I will go to at least one cricket match, and then I never get to one! 2012 tickets go on sale in March, and I swear to God I am going to go and see something!!!

Right, dinner.

2010-11-07T18:13:00.000Z

My boys! Go Red Bull!

2010-11-06T19:42:00.000Z

There's another thing I don't get. Why do men think that if they keep trying they can make you find them attractive, after you have told them in no uncertain terms that you don't? I don't believe genetic engineering is quite that advanced yet, and to be honest, if it were, you'd need a bottle of chloroform and some shin pads if you were thinking about trying it. Best to just give up.

2010-10-27T20:09:00.005+01:00

I'm reading Silas Marner for the first time since I had to read it for English Lit. at around 13. I don't know why it's taken me 18 years to go back to it when I've thought about re-reading it so many times. Probably just that there are so many books! Funny thing is that my Dad also had to read it in school, 41 years before me, and he hated it!

I've bought and wrapped nearly all my Christmas presents. Not to big myself up! I have to, so that my folks can take them all up with them after their last visit of the year. It is always a relief to get it done though, because every year without fail, around late Summer time, I have the dream where it's Christmas the next day and I hadn't noticed and haven't bought anything!

2010-10-24T20:17:00.002+01:00

My favourite crashed out of the Korean F1 today. I absolutely adore Mark Webber so I was sorry to see that, although luck was on his side towards the end when poor Vettel had to retire himself, meaning that Mark only lost one place in the drivers' championship. Vettel must have been devestated to lose not only the race, but also his (would have been) new position as leader overall, to end up in fourth place. He took it so well, poor lamb, he really did himself credit.

The Irrationality of Premier League Football

2010-10-24T11:34:00.004+01:00

There's one thing I cannot get my head around, however hard I try, and that is Premier League football. Or rather the support of so many thousands of people for their one chosen club. I can understand a person wishing one sportsman to win over another, but why anyone would follow a team in the Premier League when the players are bought and sold and swapped around is beyond my comprehension. It just means absolutely nothing, and therefore is completely irrational. And what really makes me laugh out loud is that so many people feel so strongly about it that it actually affects their moods! Hilarious!

Thinking about it, I don't think I was with Suzannah that first time I went into the Steyne. I'm pretty sure I was with another friend and that I brought Zan to the place after that. I was already drinking at the Two Way Inn with Dan and Keiren by that time I think, (probably why striding into the Steyne at sixteen and ordering a whiskey and lime did not seem daunting to me) and I remember that we got barred from there because they thought we had brought a bottle of vodka into the pub and left it in a little cubby hole in the back. They didn't bar us because we were underage! I remember we were sitting on our little table in the back area and we saw this small door in the wall, which we opened, and there was the bottle inside. We rather stupidly left the door open, and so the Landlord assumed we had put it there. We had lived in that pub, and played a lot of pool in there. We always called it the No way Out! It really was a dead, 'old man' pub! Good times. It's flats now.

2010-10-23T19:28:00.002+01:00

We were all spoiled so badly by Luke last night. Towards the end of the night he even bought me a pink champagne cocktail. I felt quite special, and I know I didn't deserve it! It was such a sociable evening, and I found it sweet how the men all let their genuine affection for each other show after they'd had a few drinks. No-one behaved badly on it. I suppose that with Luke and Jay being brothers, Martin being a long time friend of Luke's, and Matt being a long time friend of Jay's, it is more like a family than a work place. People moved around to speak to one another, and I had some interesting conversations with Luke, Jay, and their web site guys who I hadn't previously met. Luke was attentive and made known his appreciation for our efforts. I ate a fillet steak, rare with peppercorn sauce. It cut like butter. The crème brûlée was luxurious.

Edit. Came in to work on monday and discovered the bill for the night was close to £1K!

2010-10-20T19:18:00.001+01:00

It's my work's end of financial year meal out on Friday. We're eating at Cote in Brighton, which is apparently quite difficult to book for, so I have high hopes for the food.

The Bognor Steyne Bar and my biggest regret (and I have many).

2010-10-19T19:58:00.007+01:00

I was sixteen years old when I walked into the Steyne Bar in Bognor for the first time. I was with Zan, and we must have thought it was about time we started drinking out. It was day time and quiet, and we walked up to the bar and I was struck by an arrow in my heart by the man standing behind it. I almost couldn't breathe, but I could function just well enough to order a whiskey and lime! Shortly after that day we started to go out on a Friday or a Saturday night, always to the Steyne. We would go into our favourite shop in the arcade, Preview, and buy Morgan clothes for our nights out. It was the most fun we ever had! Life was so exciting and full of expectation, and for me, the expectation I felt before I walked into that bar on those nights was so great I could hardly contain myself. He knew how I felt and he mocked me for it because he was a gentleman and would not (or would not let himself) see me in the same way. What I don't think he knew was that when I saw him my tummy would flutter and turn over, and when he called me 'gorgeous' I would feel weak at the knees and my little heart would skip a beat. When he wasn't there I would be miserable, and I would feel like there was nothing for me that night and no point in my being there as I had no-one to show off for. As I got older I still felt the same, although Suzannah and I would move on and hang out somewhere else, and at twenty I went to work on bar myself, at the Ground Zero night club, as I was going to be travelling with my sister in the Summer and Autumn and I needed to take on another job so I could save for it. One night, I'm not sure if it was before or after I went away (and whether I was still twenty or had turned the grand old age of twenty one), I had a night off from the club, and Zan and I thought that we should see if the Steyne was as good as it had been three or four years previous. Back in those days it was a push to get through the door, and the atmosphere was just brilliant. Karaoke was always going on, and it just felt like a party every night. On this night that we returned I don't remember much, but I know that we hooked up with people we knew, and I remember, of course, that he was there. I don't know how late we were there, I don't know what time he went to leave, and I don't know what I said to him when he did, but I remember that he looked down at me and asked me if I was really sure. I was more scared of myself then than I had ever been, but I was also more sure than I had ever been. Then as we walked out the door, a hand suddenly and roughly grabbed a hold of my wrist and wrenched me back into the pub. I don't remember her words, but Suzannah was adamant - I was not to go. I can't even remember if I saw his face before he walked away. I never saw him again.

I think at the time I didn't see that it was a big deal. I didn't know that I wouldn't take more nights off and that we wouldn't go there again. I didn't know that Zan would end up living in London and that that part of our lives would come to an end. I didn't know that eventually I would end up moving to Worthing and would never go out in Bognor again. I didn't know that ten years would go by and I would never regret anything so much. If I had only pulled back my arm and followed my heart, I probably would have discovered that I was being stupid and romantic, and that it was all in my head and we never really had anything in common. Then I would not be thinking about it still now. Life really is a bitch.

The cling film has gone up again on my French doors. Looks a bit neater this year. I just hope it's not such a cold one because I cannot afford it! I'm reading The Secret Garden. I've never read it. It's alright, but it hasn't grabbed me like I thought it would.

Edit: Just thinking about things again, and I remembered not long after these events I let someone down that I had been fond of since we were still kids. He said to me one night that I was the one, but I was so wrapped in my personal present that I couldn't give myself to him at that time. Or maybe I felt that our time had passed. When we were fourteen, and I was just a friend of his friend, I didn't know how to tell him I wanted him. I still remember my daydreams from that time! I just didn't have the courage to put it into practice! And the silly thing is that I knew that he felt something too, although it was just in a certain look here or a conversation there, and I still could not bear the possibility of humiliation. Basically my life has been one big fuck up from start to finish! Hey ho! :-)

2010-10-14T19:10:00.000+01:00

Anyway, to bring the tone back up! Have just read Chopper, the autobiography of Mark Brandon Read. Apart from being brilliant to read because I got to read it with a broad Australian accent, it was surprisingly self aware, and very accessible because of it. The way he joked about the possible instability of his own mental health at various times of his life was funny enough to make me chuckle to myself, and his regret at the end on choosing the life he did was disarming. I almost liked him, and in Mark's own words - poor bugger!

2010-10-14T18:49:00.000+01:00

Someone mentioned Finders Keepers on R1 the other day. I only watched that because I wanted to do Neil Buchanan. And did I watch it a lot!

2010-08-26T17:41:00.012+01:00

I suddenly felt inspired to write in this thing again. I went a bit nuts a while ago and deleted a load of old posts. Censored myself in a way, and then made it private. The problem is that I'm not much of a talker in life, and even trying to get words down on here can be draining. With that in mind, I'm not going to make any announcements about the recommencement of this blog, as it will only make me feel pressured again. Let's just say now that it's a journal and a way for me to record for my own benefit (as I have an appalling memory for events) the things that I may not want to forget. Nothing too private, and if anyone happens upon it (although I can't imagine that happening), nothing inflammatory either.

I just finished reading 'Scar Tissue', the autobiography of Anthony Kiedis, and I was struck by just how honest he was about his thought processes on beginning his many relapses back into drug use. You know those kinds of thoughts I mean. The ones that you would never share because it would be too hurtful. Because you were emotional and it wasn't a reflection of how you really are or how you normally feel. I couldn't believe the courage of it, of putting it in writing. I was also warmed by the way he talked about the women in his life. He falls in love very quickly and very deeply, and I don't know if I can even fall in love. I've loved one man in my life, and I certainly didn't fall into it! It was simply the inevitable result of spending time together over a period of many months, and when I realised the nature of my feelings one day, I felt it grudgingly! I ought to say though, that perhaps his unattractive tendency towards bigotry may have kept my heart cooler than it would have been. Is it good to fall hopelessly and completely in love with someone, whether they are in any way good or not? And what does it mean if you do? Does it mean you have no self respect, or does it mean that you are a wonderful and forgiving person who will always see any good that exists in someone? I always tend towards the positive, and I've been accused of being trusting to the level of stupidity on countless occassions, so why can I not filter out stuff in the love department? It just doesn't follow does it? I meet someone and I find them attractive for a short while, and then I start to see through them and the attraction goes. In fact there's only one person in all my adult life that I didn't go off during the time I knew him. I feel sure I am doomed never to find my hero! Oh dear, look who's laying it all out now for everyone to read! Moving on...

I am reading now about one of my long standing ambitions - riding the freight trains in America. Possibly dangerous, and definitely illegal, I cannot imagine being more contented than if I were sitting on the back of a freight looking out at America. The romantism of getting away like that and being carried to somewhere new has tugged at me for years. I've always looked at those trains and thought I wish I was lying on a car, looking up at the clouds and having no cares in the world.

2009-01-25T16:48:00.005Z

The tide was out this afternnon and I hitched my bike onto my shoulder and carried it down on to the sand where I walked with it through shallow streams of sea and rain water making their way to the sea. The spitting rain was pitter-pattering on my coat. When it started to shower I stopped and stood as if held to the spot by an unseen force, and I stared out to sea with the incredible freshness of the air against my face watching and listening to the seagulls wheeling around in the sky above me and wishing I was one of them and I didn't have to go home.

Of course by the time I'd done the food shopping I was wet through and cold, so all those romantic notions went out the window.

2009-01-05T14:13:00.009Z

The walkers were at the top of Skirrid, which is one of the three surrounding hills. The icicles were just outside Brynmawr, which is the highest town in Wales and a nice walk back home partly along what used to be railway line. The main picture is the section that goes by the house.

2008-12-31T15:42:00.006Z

We walked to the Grwyne Fawr reservoir yesterday in the eastern Black Mountains of the Brecon Beacons National Park. I'm very laid back here and not really in writing mode so I'll keep it brief. It's my first proper Christmas break in three years. Kittiwake doesn't shut down for the holiday so I was always limited to just a few days together, and I was always back in time for the new year. Since Mum and Dad have only been here four years, even when I was at Greenwood and had two weeks off I was still in Sussex and able to go out with friends on New Years Eve, so this will be my first year at home for the night in probably ten years. Memorable nights are parties at home with Zan and Ed in London and fireworks at the London Eye, working at the club in Bognor, and more recently karaoke in LA with Chris and friends. Tonight we shall be watching Jools Holland!

Chrismas at Lib and Paul's was lovely as always. Dinner on Christmas Day was absolutely delicious and all came together perfectly, and on Boxing Day we walked in The Lickeys. A couple of days ago Mum and Dad surprised me with a day out on the buses that took us by Cribbs Causeway shopping, just for a mooch around and a look at the decorations in the atrium of the John Lewis which were quite impressive - apparantly they had to hire absailers to put them up. I did buy some trainers. Tomorrow I think we're doing Sugar Loaf. I wouldn't mind doing the stroll up the Bloringe from the house before I go too. I love the bleakness of it up the top.

2008-12-20T07:52:00.003Z

Since I started to remember my dreams again I've been much happier. All these other lives that come and go while I'm asleep seem to make me stronger for this one. I went to my twelve hour shift last night with anticipation not resignation. And now I wish hadn't put it off for so long, because the atmosphere was so different that I enjoyed it! Now I know I can cane it happily till they end the weekend night shift. Good times.

2008-12-13T09:08:00.003Z

I woke up in my clothes again this morning. I keep crawling into bed in my clothes because I can't bring myself to undress in my room. Danny couldn't believe the cold when he walked in last night. The temperature just drops as you pass through my door! I have an oil filled radiator though now that I'm able to use while Justine is away for Christmas, and I'll be away myself from Christmas Eve.
The rain and gusts of wind battering my windows last night and asking them to give in sounded just like they used to in my old room back home years ago. It took me back instantly. This morning it sounds just like it normally does here. I'm going to look out my waterproof trousers in a bit because I have to pop out. It's Olav's 30th today and he's having a party tonight to celebrate, so if my feet allow me to get there (yeah I'll cover that in a minute) then I'll want to bring something along. It was nice of him to invite me, but I doubt anyone will notice if I don't go. Hana and Vicky can't make it. We've also got a secret santa at work, and I noticed when I tried to fix my feet that my first aid kit needs re-stocking. A trip out is inevitable, but as you all probably know by now I embrace the elements.
So what really happened last Saturday was that I realised late that I needed to go out for something urgently, and as I was already dressed up for Chris's birthday drinks/my work's Christmas party, I went with birthday present in hand so I could get straight on a train when I had what I needed, but my shoes that I was wearing for the first time sliced my feet so that the blood actually splattered all over them and looked a bright orange/red against the black patent leather. I hobbled to the train station and found out I could only get to Arundel for quarter to six, after which I wouldn't have been able to limp into town before they all went to dinner. The wounds got progressively worse as the week went on, oozing puss and presumably being infected, and by Thursday night they were calling me hopalong at work. Last night I soaked my feet in a hot salt sloution to dissinfect them, but they're still open and I don't have the right dressings so my hard work will be undone again when I go out to get some. But get some I must, see? If I remember Catch 22 correctly (and it was many years ago that I read it) then I believe you could call this a kind of catch 22 situation.
Soon be Christmas.

2008-12-08T02:57:00.001Z

I don't belong anywhere.

2008-12-06T17:53:00.003Z

I ran out of time today so I didn't get over to Arundel. Silly thing is that now I'm sitting around twiddling my thumbs because my own meal isn't until 8, but Chris was eating at six and I would have felt like a numpty sitting in China Palace and not eating. My feet are bleeding from a new pair of shoes that I made the mistake of wearing out today, and I've bound them in preparation for tonight and put thick black tights over in hope that it won't show if my trousers ride up. Now I've sat down I feel tired. I hope the food is amazing or I don't think it'll have been worth the pain!

2008-12-02T17:37:00.003Z

I had three training modules today. One of the QA men training us had very nice eyelashes and I found him a little bit sexual. Naughty me.

2008-11-30T14:14:00.004Z

I re-bought Screamadelica today. Somebody had it away some time ago. I was going to write a real whingeing post about it, and it was going to lead on to other things that I was also going to whinge about, but I changed my mind on it. They're still thieving bastards though, and it still winds me up. I know there are others I've lost. Right, enough!

Somebody at work likes me, I was informed on Thursday night, so that's nice.

2008-11-21T07:50:00.002Z

Bloomin' 'eck it's the weekend. I've just finished my sixth week, and I started paperwork on Tuesday night. It was on off due to being moved around, and this night/morning just finished was my first full shift on it. I believe that for a new starter I did ok, and I'll say this too, I absolutely loved it! But it's a novelty right now, and I can get satisfaction from the learning and anticipating correctly what I need to do next. I'll get bored with it soon enough!

It's pay day again too!

Oh and Nick, I haven't had internet since the end of last month which is why I've only posted once in that time. I missed you last time I called in (last Friday I think). I just can't seem to stay away. Hope you're well.

2008-11-05T09:02:00.003Z

I'm dead on my feet but I don't want to sleep. Watching the news this morning I feel so elated to see the happiness on so many faces, and the celebrations going on all around the world! What an amazing and joyful moment for America.

2008-10-24T07:40:00.002+01:00

I love cycling home in the pissing rain. I love to feel the water hitting my face and washing away all my night's hard work.
Nearly every part of the line broke down tonight at one point or another. The notorious line 22 is everyone's most hated, but it's the one I've been on since I started and I know all it's problems and I'm fond of it already. This shift was pretty bad though. But I got to work with somebody new for the second half, and it turns out he's a real laugh so we made our own fun while the line was breaking down. As I begin to know people more I'm beginning to feel more comfortable. Good times? Maybe.

2008-10-20T18:21:00.003+01:00

In About A Boy Hugh Grant measured his time in daytime television shows. I am measuring my time, of which I seem to have a lot, in X-Files episodes. Lorcan has loaned me the last few series' so I can see what I missed and then watch the last film. I've watched all of series seven and three episodes of series eight already since Friday, and I know I can get in a couple more before I go out tonight for my first shift of the week.

2008-10-12T20:51:00.004+01:00

Got on a bus to Chi today to go and see How To Lose Friends And Alienate People. I sat on the top floor of the bus in the blazing sunshine, put my lip gloss on with the aid of my iPod and sat back. Elbow's The Seldom Seen Kid sounded glorious. We're having an Indian Summer again. Middle of October and there are short sleeves everywhere. Families out on bikes. Why is it I can sit on the bus for hours and be so content? Always the getting there. I remember when I was little and we used to go camping for our holidays. We'd pack up the car (van when I was very small) the night before, and we'd leave at 2 in the morning and drive through the night to the Lake District or Scotland or wherever. We'd stop at service stations for breaks on our way. Stepping out of the car the air was always cold and still, and I felt excited by what was to come. But I always felt comforted being in the back seat sitting on blankets and surrounded by gear. It could have lasted forever.
The film was funny and touching. Just the kind of film I needed to see. I called Mum after to continue our chat from earlier and she drew my attention to the fact that the trees are turning. I don't know how I didn't see it. They're everywhere, and they were golden in the evening sun. The sky turned pink as I got carried home.

2008-10-10T18:39:00.003+01:00

It's Friday night, and it's Chinese curry time!

I just called Tom to tell him my news, and to ask him if my story of moving to nights to pay off debt sounded familiar (Tom did the same thing, and then moved down to Cornwall where, incidentally, he is now as happy as larry/a pig in shit, and working on the farm again) and he said that when he was working for the agency, Glaxo was the Holy Grail of jobs. I don't want to count my chickens quite before they're hatched, because it could all fall apart tomorrow, but I think I've just got VERY LUCKY! And this curry is immense.

2008-10-09T16:46:00.004+01:00

I've fallen into the ninth circle of hell! It's so horrific it's funny, but at least I'm keeping a sense of humour about it! It is great being able to walk around in the day though. I feel great today, although I haven't slept more than 5 hours and will probably kip again in a little while. I've got so much more time to myself, cutting out the travelling time. But I am at work for nine and a half hours, not eight and a half, and it really felt like it last night/this morning! That was a long shift! :-)

2008-10-06T15:20:00.002+01:00

15th out of 84 teams, my boys are doing good for me. Been in the top 5 scoring teams for the last two weeks. Now I've done my transfers I can see Manager of the Month coming my way. Come on boys!

2008-10-05T20:04:00.003+01:00

So yeah I got drunk on Friday. Mike dropped me home and I thought bugger this for a bunch of bananas and called James and got straight on a train back to Angmering and the Windmill pub. Chris joined us after a bit and I slept at James's. I had a nice send off from Kittiwake. A few drinks in LA Spoons. I did cry at my presentation. If Tracy had read out the speech that Steve wrote (see last post), I don't know, I would have been inconsolable. What a silly sausage I am. As it was I was only able to sob a thank you, and I could barely look up at everyone.

Still, today I went out and picked up some things I needed, and enjoyed the blustery wind and the rain. It was very mild. An awesome day weather-wise. I walked over to Glaxo to get my route worked out. And I fixed the loo seat. So there.

Notes and messages

2008-10-04T08:53:00.006+01:00

Some I recieved

And one I gave back

2008-10-02T18:45:00.002+01:00

My eyes welled up when I on the bus going home today and thinking about what it will be like tomorrow. I know there'll be a presentation and I'll be in tears. I'm going to miss driving the fork lift. Life moves on.

2008-10-01T20:32:00.002+01:00

I had a dream about Terry Christian the other night. Remember him?

2008-09-30T19:48:00.002+01:00

I'm feeling so much better! I have ordered Lib and Paul's main Christmas present (Mum, you and Dad will have to visit between now and then because I cannot carry this up on the train along with everything else)! I've done a big food shop on Tesco online - they now do bagless deliveries, and I won't be able to buy heavy stuff like fruit juice on my way home anymore because I'll be cycling. I've changed my mobile phone service plan to one that has a few more minutes and is cheaper. I neither want nor need a new phone so I didn't bother with the upgrade. I'm dreaming of being able to get my legs waxed and my nails done, and holidays in interesting places, and it's cheering me. I'm not so scared now either, more excited. The work may well be repetitive in the extreme, but I can handle that. Emma told me that the other new starters, who will on my team, are lovely and I'm relieved that I will be with people who are in the same boat, so to speak. The canteen is cheap so I may have my main meals there. I'm really starting to feel much more positive.
We're doing stock take over the next couple of days. I started working at Kittiwake at the very beginning of October 2005, just after stock take. I will be leaving after exactly 3 years. I was at Greenwood Air for exactly nine years, also almost to the day.

2008-09-29T21:05:00.002+01:00

I feel so tired tonight and I feel tearful, although I haven't cried yet. Tonight I mean. My head feels tired. I've been over at Emma's filling in so many forms, and I'm so far out of my comfort zone I just want to sleep and not have to think about it again. I want it to go away. I handed in my notice this morning.

2008-09-28T10:42:00.002+01:00

I walked up to Cisbury yesterday and half filled a tupperware box with blackberries on the way. I'll make a crumble with them tonight. It was so hot, I climbed a very wize looking old oak at the top for it's shade and I sat amongst it's cool branches for a few minutes just thinking. Looking out my window it looks like a similar day out today so I'll be making tracks out in a little while. I haven't heard back from my text to James, but it was Filthy Little Habits last night at The Rest Bar so I might be expecting too much! I just dropped in for a few minutes.

2008-09-26T18:33:00.002+01:00

I've got a really big decision to make this weekend, although I think I've probably already made up my mind. Actually I don't really have a choice, which has made it easier, and my tummy isn't hurting nearly as much as I thought it would when the time came. Here's to getting back on track financially. And I will be able to go to D.C. with my family in the Spring without the guilt of having to accept it, or part of it at least, as a (really ludicrously big) 30th birthday present. There will be tears in the near future though.

2008-09-24T18:43:00.004+01:00

The standard seems to have dropped again in the last few few posts (the top 50 not included). How easy it is to slip back into old ways. But going back to the 50 again, Richard at work asked the question were classical albums allowed (he has since submitted a list with one or two classical offerings), and of course there's no reason why not, but it raised more questions. A symphony named cannot be an album. Surely it only becomes one when it's interpreted by an orchestra. Any one piece of music has been put onto disc many times, recorded by different orchestra's at different periods, and what you always have with a classical album is the orchestra as artist playing a piece of work by a composer. Therefore to put forward a concerto you'd have to choose a particular version or it's not an album, it's a concerto - a written piece of music. But surely that's the beauty of it? Interpretations vary greatly. You may have a favourite pianist, or like the way the English Chamber Orchestra play Mozart, whatever. So unlike conventional albums by pop artists or whatever it is you're into, you have a whole world (and in some cases many decades) of interpretations to choose from and perhaps to fall in love with. For the record I love the piano, probably because my Dad used to play before his tinnitus got bad, but I haven't explored enough to be able to have favourite pieces of work or pianists. No, of course Dad will always be my favourite. I loved when we all sat around the piano when I was little.
Mum stayed last night. We got those fish and chips by the river in Littlehampton, but we ate in because it felt a little chilly - we normally sit on the wall and eat them out of the paper. We took a stroll though along the sea front after before getting the bus back.

I got faint at work yesterday. I haven't been faint since my third donation. What a dickhead!

2008-09-22T19:59:00.003+01:00

I've just got in from work. It's been a long one. Overtime this morning and I just gave blood in LA which is why I'm so late home. It was my fifteenth donation which is fairly good I suppose. They're a friendly lot there, I quite enjoy it. I feel it's too late to make food but I think I ought to eat as I'm right on the lower weight limit for donating. I know this only because when the blokes from electronics all troop out and get on the scales one by one for a laugh, I always jump on after and show them all up! 52KG, it never changes. Just some veg maybe. I'm feeling really happy because Mum's down tomorrow and we're meeting at the train station in LA when I get off work. We're going to wander down down to the river to get fish and chips like the three of us have done a couple of times before. Business is bringing Mum down and it's a shame Dad isn't coming too. But it'll be Christmas soon enough I suppose! Hey ho. Oh shit I forgot Dad's birthday! Well there's not much I can say now. I sometimes forget my own birthday. It's not personal. Off to cook. Really sorry Dad!

Emma's back from Corwall and we went out almost as soon as she'd dumped her stuff yesterday. Straight down the beach and along to Goring for ice creams. This weather just amazes me. There were plenty of people swimming. The morings are chilly now though.

2008-09-20T19:16:00.002+01:00

I'm putting my top 50 on here for anyone who is interested but doesn't have a Facebook account. (You probably have more of a life than me). This is the list I posted to the group, but like everyone else I am wondering about swapping some. I didn't put Nirvana's Unplugged in there, The Coral's self titled and fantastically quirky and inventive first album, or The Rapture's Echoes. There are some purposeful omissions , that I own of course, and may have listened to much at the time but now not for years for the simple reason that I HATE THEM. They are Ok Computer and Nevermind. If one hundred had been allowed I suppose I would have put a few more Smiths albums in. The Flaming Lips' The Soft Bulletin didn't make the final cut. It doesn't mean that I think all of the albums in my 50 are better - I know many of them are not - it just didn't touch my heart quite enough. I would like to able to take Radiohead's Amnesiac and Kid A albums, remove the not so good songs from them both and put the rest together to make one really special piece of work. I suppose the same could be said for The Clash - something Chris and I were talking about. The Clash was a good punk album, but just a punk album. London Calling was twice as long as it needed to be, and therefore half as good as it could have been, and Combat Rock was just not amazing all the way through. Sandinista had moments of genius, but it also had moments of, well, pap. Still it doesn't seem right to not have a Clash one in. I also chose not to put Zeppelin in there. The Doors, The Kinks, Hendrix, The Beatles, Janis. Stevie. Talking Book should surely have made it. But I could go on like this all night and I can't because I have to watch Big.

The top 10

Turn On The Bright Lights - Interpol
Is This It - The Strokes
Viva Hate - Morressy
The Colour and the Shape - Foo Fighters
Heartbreaker - Ryan Adams
Grace - Jeff Buckley
Meat Is Murder - The Smiths
Skylarking - XTC
The bends - Radiohead
Rated R - QOTSA

The rest

Ill Communication - Beastie Boys
Original Pirate Material - The Streets
Lack Of Communication - The Von Bondies
Source Tags and Codes - AYWKUBTTOD
Emergency On Planet Earth - Jamiroqui
Pet Sounds - The Beach Boys
Surfa Rosa - Pixies
Relationship Of Command - At The Drive In
Superunknown - Soundgarden
Zen Arcade - Husker Du
White Blood Cells - The White Stripes
A Rush of Blood to the Head - Coldplay
Who's Next - The Who
Come Down - The Dandy Warhols
Want One - Rufus Wainwright
Screamadelica - Primal Scream
Xtrmntr - Primal Scream
Origin Of Symmetry - Muse
Up The Bracket - The Libertines
The Libertines - The Libertines
Toxicity - System Of A Down
Nimrod - Green Day
Raise The Alarm - The Sunshine Underground
Loveless - My Bloody Valentine
People Get Ready - The Mooney Suzuki
Ladies and Gentlemen... - Spiritualized
Gold - Ryan Adams
Bows and Arrows - The Walkmen
Deserters Songs - Mercury Rev
The 3 Ep's - The Beta Band
Copper Blue - Sugar
You're a Woman, I'm a Machine - Death From Above 1979
BRMC - Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
The Hour Of Bewilderbeast - Badly Drawn Boy
The Stone Roses - The Stone Roses
Californication - Red Hot Chili Peppers
The Alternative To Love - Brendan Benson
Loss - Mull Historical Society
Our Endless Days are Numbered - Iron and Wine
Tremble Under Boom Lights - Jonathan Fire Eater

2008-09-19T19:06:00.002+01:00

I've just had my best two weeks in three years at Kittiwake. I've enjoyed being boss of my own department and I wish I could have it full time. James is back on Monday.

I was going to say more on here but I don't think I need to really. I've been optomistic lately. Feeling fairly good. There's a chill in the air now, the year's moving on.

2008-09-16T19:49:00.002+01:00

Hm. Curly Kale, carrots, leek, and tomato all steamed to perfection. Oh and my top 50 albums here but you have to be on Facebook to view it.

2008-09-14T18:47:00.002+01:00

Today wasn't a bad day at work. James is still off. He's been unfortunate enough to be stranded by that airline business, but he had another week anyway so I'm sure he's getting something sorted. In fact it hasn't been bad filling in for him all in all this time. Got rid of a job that had been sitting around for two months today. Still there's another four own courier jobs still waiting. Joy!

Dan just gave me some mini smarties. He cuts my hair. He gives me hugs. He just offered me some pizza. It's alright. One of the students moved in at the weekend and she got a little tearful after her folks had left, but I managed, with Pete's help on the phone to fix her laptop so she could get online and speak to her friends. Dan has been taking the piss out of her already and we're trying to make her feel at home. She's a very sweet girl. She'll be alright I'm sure as soon as term starts and she meets the other students.

I sat on the beach yesterday in the sun with my back against the low wall and watched freighter ships on the horizon. I used to wish I could let one carry me away to somewhere. But to where?

2008-09-09T19:19:00.011+01:00

I tried to find Horizon's The Six Billion Dollar Experiment on Google Videos just now but it's 'unavailable'. If I remember correctly (it was screened early last year I think), the LHC was meant to be turned on in November 2007. Talk in the canteen today was of what we should be doing tonight before we die tomorrow. Funnily enough though I haven't made any plans for this evening apart from maybe doing a load of washing. Does actively esuring I have clean clothes for the next few days mean I'm not taking the black holes eating the earth theory seriously? :-) I am interested in knowing what makes things in this universe tangible. There's got to be something like this proposed Higgs field. We wait.

My own slightly less expensive experiment is taking an aggravating turn. My skin is not supposed to start peeling till Saturday or Sunday, but it is starting to lift already and I am like a child again with a big tempting scab on my knee to pick. I have to leave it or it might not heal normally, but it's curling up at the edges and I just want to rip it off! Need to think about something else.

Time now to listen to all the greatest songs ever made, before we all die like.

2008-09-06T20:25:00.008+01:00

I've been so bored today it's unreal. I woke up early and couldn't get back to sleep. I watched a film and then tried to get a little sleep on the sofa, something I never usually have any trouble with, and that didn't work. I managed to kill some time upstairs chatting to the mother of the new girl who will be moving in soon, but the room was freezing and so I wasn't having much fun up there either. I've been on you tube for about the last two hours watching videos I've seen a hundred times before. I've been laughing though. Or should that be laughing my arse off LMAO?

So what have I been up to? Nothing. That's why I haven't called, Mum. Oh I decided to get on and try some deep peel stuff on my scar but it hasn't done what it was supposed to yet. My skin should have turned brown and gone tight but it is mildly pink, if that. And this is 100% medical grade TCA. What do I have to do? Put phenol on it? My skin is so resilient, it's a piss take. When I had dermabrasion on it my nurse couldn't believe how there was never any sign that I'd just had a treatment. Why couldn't it have been like this ten years ago when I acquired the scar? I might not have acquired it.

Watch a film. Try not to be bored by it. Don't go over the hall and wake up your house mate to give him cuddles, because he won't appreciate it. Clean the kitchen.

2008-09-02T19:02:00.018+01:00

I haven't a clue where to start today. I've been writing this blog throughout my day at work, in bits and pieces. Now I have to try and put it all together. The first bit of inspiration that hit me was when it rained on me on my way to work. I wrote that a smile broke out on my face as the breeze whipped up my hair and rain fell steadily on me. And I followed it up with my usual thing at this time of year about how I begin to feel cheerful now, with Autumn coming, when I can get up on Amberley Mount or wherever and get battered by the wind. What else? Oh and the smokers were all huddled against the doors when I arrived.

I was talking to Nick today about this blog and my doubts about it. He said, reassuringly, that what you see is what you get with me. As this is what Zan's ma has always said about me I suppose I should accept that. But I went through a horrible time over the Winter/Spring period when I didn't want to post because I suddenly felt ashamed of the shite that I'd been writing. When I started this blog two and a half years ago, my intentions for it were different to how it turned out. I hadn't wanted to write a journal. I wanted to use a little humour and look at aspects of life and have some opinion, and maybe talk a little about some of the things I got up to as well. Thing is though that over time I found that I wanted to write maybe more seriously, at least not poke fun so much, but for my parents especially, to give a proper write up about the things I'd been doing. It just started to feel wrong because it started to feel conflicted. I've never been anyone but myself on here, but there are such different facets to my personality that if I pander to them all then it all gets screwed up somehow. I think also I read back through my old posts and thought what a dickhead, because even I didn't find myself funny anymore. I always had my tongue firmly in my cheek. But how do you get that across to people who don't know you?

Some other things, like wanting to be able to share experiences with people instead of just doing things alone like I always have are a little disconcerting. Time was when I loved nothing more than heading out by myself to the country and breathing it all in, but the last year or so I've begun to wonder if it wouldn't be nice to have someone special who I could share it with. It's like everything I knew about myself is being re-written and I have no control over it.

Gutted! When I started writing on here again I wrote several introspective posts like these, and deleted them all in turn, but I've decided you're going to have to read this one!

A few of us went over to Brighton on Saturday to celebrate Vicki's and James's birthdays. How did it happen that the only hot day in weeks fell on that day? We bought two trays of vodka jelly's on the beach and played 'big stone, little stone' to win them. It was so busy it took me twenty minutes to queue for food under the promenade. It really was incredible down there. The burnt shell of the West Pier was massively picturesque at dusk.

I finally listened to the new Spiritualized album today. To begin with I thought it sounded like a horrible parody of past greatness, but the second song was much better, and the third picked up the pace and pulled me in a bit more. Actually it's not a bad Spiritualized album. While at Reading, Chris recommended The National's 'Alligator', and I've been listening to that the last few days. It reminds me a little bit of Lambchop, but it's more rocky and not so glum, or quite so odd. I've also only recently got around to listening to Maps. The album is 'We Can Create'. It's been out for ages, I just took my time getting it. It's quite spacey and weired. Trembling guitars on one song were reminiscent of something I can't think of right now.

That'll do for tonight.

Reading 2008

2008-08-27T20:11:00.028+01:00

So I've triumphed over Reading again. It always feels like that. Certainly Reading is the roughest festival, but it's a release mechanism. The way I feel when I'm walking through the campsites at night and I'm being being thrown to the side by charging trolley dashes, and I'm seeing people being pushed into tents and other harmless jollity's, I can't quite explain. It makes me feel at peace. Does that sound strange? I love to smile at the fun going on all around me, and the happiness in people's faces as they enjoy their one proper blow out of the year really makes me feel good inside. I find V much more shocking for it's mundanity! That said though I was relieved every night to arrive in white camp after doing the sociable thing, and have space and peace to sleep with no-one falling over or being pushed into my tent.

My days at the festival this year were my most sociable yet. Usually I spend the majority of my time during the day watching bands alone, but this year, although I went on a mission on the first day and saw 15 bands, the following two days I spent much more time with friends, Chris especially. We talked a lot about a lot of things, and I was happy with that. We were both reviewing as we went - something I did a couple of years ago, but I didn't follow it up on here then. I will try to do better this year. I must say that although I choose to hang by myself usually, it does often make me feel like I am on the periphery, watching everyone else getting the full experience. This year I suppose I joined the rest of the human race and shared a bit more. Sharing is always easier if you feel an affinity to someone, and of all my friends, perhaps Chris is the most like me.

Mum and Dad will be pleased to hear I went what may be called 'straight edge' at this years event (again). That meaning I didn't drink any alcohol or take any illegal substances (not that I do in my 'normal life' anyway,not in years. Well the drugs I mean). I do tend to do this not for my health at the time, but more because I know that if I keep hydrated and look after myself I will be less likely to pick up a cold. The number of times! But there are other reasons, as I said to Chris. If I were to take something I wouldn't be able to trust my judgement, and that would bother me. I saw BRMC on ecstasy a few years ago and they were the greatest thing I'd ever seen. Enough said? Of course the other downside is side effects. The same night I saw BRMC I hugged Didz Hammond in the bar, and I certainly wouldn't have done that if I'd been straight. And that brings me onto one of the things we were talking about - that as you get older you lose your sense of wonder. Still at 23 or 24 or whatever age I was at the time, anyone in a band that I liked, I viewed as a near Deity. I remember the moment when it dawned on me that that last remnant of my childish perspective had departed. The excitement had gone. If you look at it more broadly it happens over years, of course. I remember when I was little I was excited by the prospect of red pixie boots, but that didn't last forever. (I never got them either).

I'll do a bands review in a little bit. Although I was sober throughout I'll still probably write a short disclaimer saying something of the like that I may be wrong in my judgement due to the fact that I was in a bad position for sound/ couldn't see anything etc. Well I've said it now. I saw 37 bands this year.

Pictures are of the new bridge over the Thames and The Last Shadow Puppets on an ethereal looking NME stage. The quality isn't great.

Edit:

Bands Review

Future Of The Left - Were shouty. Singer said "if anyone wants to take a piss, now's your opportunity...some people call it boring" The following song sounded like a really depressed Eighties Matchbox B-Line Disaster with screams.

Pete and The Pirates - Were bouncy. Seemed quite happy and were catchy enough. Got really good halfway through their set when they got heavier.

Blood Red Shoes - Fairly frenetic. I didn't find them particularly melodious.

These New Puritans - Good electronica-ish rock.

Dizzee Rascal - All I could hear (and feel) was bass. And not good bass, but like that really crap thudding you hear when some charva drives past in his metal penis extension. A real shame, it should have been better.

Florence and The Machine - Here's what I wrote at the time - I may have been overly harsh: "All the time the guy was drumming they were alright, but she seemed intent on screaming in a really annoying way and trying to be Kate Bush. Only good bit was when they did 'Hospital beds', which isn't their song. Can't help thinking she's a bit of a dickhead" Jeez that was harshness.

Ida Maria - Was the first really decent thing I saw. Her rock and roll was great. She was a giant and looked like she could have been a man.

At this point I should probably mention that this is not meant to be (very) serious review.

Friendly Fires - Were amazing again.

MGMT - Good. Went off on some guitar meanderings, but that was alright.

Vampire Weekend - Brilliant. A big joyful party of niceness and some dancibility.

Late Of The Pier - Didn't see much. Sounded good.

QOTSA - When they chose good songs they were excellent. When they chose badly they were dull.

Does It Offend You Yeah? - Were brill and I wanted to get in and dance with everyone else. But we needed a quick escape route to RATM so we stayed at the back which slightly stunted the enjoyment possibilities.

RATM - Alright I suppose. The sound wasn't great so we moved and it got better. They left the stage for minutes before their encore so we missed it. We weren't going to go back, even for 'Killing In The name'

Lovvers - Dog shite. So we went and met Hana for Kids In Glass Houses.

Kids In Glass Houses - You can't really argue with a band that nearly fills the NME tent that early in the day, and has a bunch of pop songs that you can tap your foot to. Enough people were singing along so I'm not going to argue.

Joe Lean and the Jing Jand Jong - Really good

Santogold - Got great with the third song - catchy and dirty sounding.

The Subways - Tore it up on the main stage. Frigging brilliant for three of them, and there were circle pits going off.

At this point I wrote though that I was sick of crap festival sound. It did seem worse this year, the NME tent especially. I decided to miss a load of bands during the middle of that afternoon (the Saturday) and have a rest back at the tent. I missed mostly bands I had seen before, some several times, like Bloc Party, Dirty Pretty Things, The Ting Tings, Mystery Jets, We Are Scientists, Editors.. I didn't sleep in the end - some fucker set 10 cars alight in the car park over the fence from me.

Foals - Drew in a biggish crowd and there was mass singing, but to me it didn't feel exciting like it had last year.

Justice - Were wicked. The only proper dance off and shout-along I had all weekend.

The Killers - We only saw the beginning and the end, but they were excellent. We loved 'All These Things...'

Manic Street Preachers - Were on fine form. Played too much recent stuff maybe, but the older stuff was triumphant. They finished with 'A Design For Life', and it felt really comforting to hear a packed out tent singing along to it in 2008.

Yeasayer - Were alright but they only really held my attention when they were being rhythmic. At those times I liked them a lot. Three singers as well.

Adam Green - Had a full set of backing singers, was highly theatrical and danced/minced about like a teenager who knows he can do what he likes. Good for him. I'm going to buy some Mouldy Peaches.

Cajun Dance Party - Were brilliant. Last song especially - something about looking up when you get home.

Holy Fuck - Not as exciting in practise. I love the album. Some of it is quite like XTMNTR era Primal Scream. They were fine, they just didn't blow my skirt up.

Chromeo - Fun. I could go for a bit more of them. It's dance and it's firmly in the genre that is pop.

Tenacious D - The D are unstoppable. That's it.

Conor Oberst - Whole band were amazing. Conor's strumming of his acoustic was greatly satisfying.

Glasvegas - Not what I've been told by the music press. I can see that lyrically they are a little deeper than most, but they are not quite the Jesus and Mary Chain musically. It's just chord changes to me. I can't see it.

The Last Shadow Puppets - Frigging immense. Massive sound (with their orchestra), they looked like stars up there. Just blew me away. So talented.

The Kills - OK

Metallica - I've never been able to take them seriously, but when we heard the opening riffs of Enter Sandman we looked at each other and left The Kills. Of course they're brilliant musicians, but that was never my problem with them. The enormous projection that filled the back of the stage was, I admit, a very good move. I was impressed. There I said it.

The Cribs - A much fuller sound now they've got the Smith playing with them. A great way to finish the weekend.

Edit 2: I also saw Esser, I forgot. They make pop music. And I heard (but I was sunbathing) the Blackout set first thing on Saturday morning (for Dan). They got their little lot of devoteds going well enough. Funny boys too, but not my thing. All that yelling does my old head in.

2008-08-20T10:39:00.012+01:00

Birmingham may not be the most beautiful city in the world, but it can be pretty when the conditions are right. Please forgive the quality as I took it with my mobile phone, and I was being obliged to walk forwards in a queue. I'm in Birmingham for a few days visiting my sister before I go down to Reading on Thursday.

I got myself a Saturday V ticket this year because the main stage was looking fairly good and I thought I might try and get to the front. Louise, one of my colleagues, and her other half Darren were camping and I met them shortly before Futureheads came on. We got to the front and we stayed there. It meant standing through Alanis Morrisette and Stereophonics, and The Script for two songs (they were not scheduled to play) but it was worth it to see Futureheads, Lostprophets, Maximo Park and Muse. Even The Kooks were good. The weather was incredible - sunny all day, and we had all packed for rain. The layout confused me when I got in because the stages had all been relocated. Sadly the main stage no longer has the hill before it. Though I suppose the oak trees will not be missed. The audience for the T4 stage will have to have to put up with those now. I went online and had a look, and James, I think Capability Brown designed everwhere except Hylands Park, but the grounds are beautiful.

I ought to get up and do something today while Lib and Paul are at work. I'm just concerned that if I go into town I will go in Build-A-Bear, which would be a disgraceful waste of money.

It's now settled that I'm sharing a tent with Hana and Pete at Reading, and we've chosen white camp so we can hang out with the LA crew and then go away to get some sleep. The weather isn't looking great, but neither is the main stage so does it matter?

That's all.

2008-08-09T12:07:00.006+01:00

I bought a cardi today to replace my red jumper that I've had for years and that has holes in the cuffs. Oh, answer phone message..

Yeah so I've replaced it. But will I throw it away? The cuffs are ragged but the rest is still like new. I don't believe I bought a single new piece of clothing last Summer. This years' cardi and the pair of shorts I bought in Tesco the other day for £4 are an extravagance indeed. But when kids are sitting in sweat shops to supply us with our throw away fashion (sadly, probably including my shorts), I think it's no bad thing to consider for a minute or two if you're really going to get much wear out of what you're thinking of buying. It always feels much better these days putting things back on the rack on walking out of the shop, and I know I'm just going to wear my same old jeans and t-shirts anyway! Oh ok I did push the boat out a bit today. I also came home with a crappy silver necklace covered in stars, and some red sunglasses with leopard print arms that were in the New Look sale. I think they're going to set off my festival bandanna really well. Will I go to hell for this? I hope not.

I've set myself up for a mission of a job. I want to get my old negatives onto disc, and there are hundreds of them, but some of them I don't want which means that I've got to go through every single mother lovin' one of them and mark them. When it's done it'll mean more pictures up on Facebook for perusal though.

2008-08-05T19:07:00.005+01:00

I nearly got a night job through a local agency that pays close to £22,000 for 3 nights a week recently. I wasn't able to take it because of the holiday I have coming up (too much too soon), but it may come up again, and if it does I am going to take it. They're keeping my test and my CV and will let me know. Thing is I remembered the other day that I can actually scuba dive, and it seems crazy that I've not done it for so many years, but when there is only so much money available prioritising must be done. From reading this blog it's evident that my priorities are visiting my friends and family in various places scattered around the country, and going to watch bands (although even that has been scaled right down to only the most vital of events in the last couple of years). It's right but I'm not using my skills. I have a box full of camera lenses, filters and other accessories, and an excellent eye for a photograph that are going to waste because I have not chosen to either invest in a digital SLR or to go back to spending a fortune as I did years ago on films and on processing to get that one amazing picture. I'd like to get back in the saddle so to speak, with the photography and with the diving, but it will take a massive pay rise and some more free days to do it. GSK may have to be the answer. I wait.

After all that I've got an expensive month this month, but I'm willing to go a little more into debt for Reading, which is my annual pilgrimage and very important to me. I'm already daydreaming of my spot on the grass by the river. Whenever I need to be away from people I'll be there. I'm also allowing myself a day at the V Festival and a trip up to Birmingham to see Lib between the two. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, but it feels to me every year that I have a bit less coming up, and a shorter period of true Summer time. It seems now like I've got Reading and just a small handful of weekends besides, and those I don't seem to make the most of. I never see anyone at least. The barbecues and trips to theme parks of old are no-where to be found, and I can't get them back in my present position. Saying all this makes me feel incredibly guilty. I do live in the western world after all, and have far more than I need. It's something that bothers me on a fairly regular basis, because the majority of people in this world are living in poverty as I sit and type on this laptop. Could try harder? More thoughts tomorrow.

2008-05-19T19:54:00.019+01:00

Blimey I've been lazy of late. Still if I don't write a little about the Brighton Great Escape I'll forget who I saw eventually. I had to read my blog just now to remember that I saw 1990's last year, and that they were brilliant. I didn't need to to read it to remember that I saw Foals last year though -I am brilliant! James got a bit messed up - see below. Ging gave us a much appreciated place to lay our heads.

Chris and Sophie came along this year and we started off in style by getting in to see Futureheads, a band that we have all seen many times, and that never disappoints. Dead Kids ripped it up and moved back the barriers so we could all have a good old dance on the stage if we wanted. Late Of The Pier were pretty good (I suppose full of the exuberance and energy of youth). The Ting Tings were so much better than I was expecting, having a massive and full sound and a real bravado, and Friendly Fires were excellent, put everything into their performance and I plan to see them again. Bon Iver were heart wrenching, and it felt special watching them, and like a welcome (though temporary) reprieve from the madness. After all that though The Hold Steady were still the best thing I saw all weekend. I had to mission it down to the Old Market and it was well worth it - it was full when I got there and the band had just come on, and the atmosphere was one of celebration. I knew that this band had a following, but when I walked into that room I felt all my coolness and all my insecurities melt away leaving me with a smile. I jumped into the pit.

James peed me off today. He offered me one of his MGMT tickets on Friday if someone happened to pull out, then today Tony pulled out and he gave it to someone else! If there wasn't a good reason to stay sober before, not pissing off one of your good friends must be one! James for that you get another picture on here. Gutted.

2008-01-24T20:33:00.006Z

Dad has scanned some more of my pictures so I thought I'd put some of Olli on here. The bottom b/w one I took as part of a series featuring the things I saw every day. Inside the factory. Optics at the club. The industrial estate. It was quite dark. But every day when I got home from work Olli would be waiting for me and would greet me and run up the path with me to the door.

2008-01-24T19:54:00.004Z

I had my tooth out today and it was easy. I'm now exploring the exciting world of using my telly as a second monitor.

I have the new Radiohead. Heavenly.

2008-01-12T17:00:00.011Z

I've just got back from Arundel. I walked up through the town today to the upper entrance to the park, and from there on to the folly. It's peaceful up the top and it brings me a new calmness. A descent down into the valley brought me back to reality. Every man and his dog was out today and it was as busy as I've seen it.

Hana is arranging drinks in Worthing tonight so I should think about eating soon and not sitting on here much longer.

I was going to talk about something else on here, but I can't remember for the life of me what it was. I know it wasn't that my sister and her boyfriend have decided to get married after 13 years together, but they have.

I woke up to the BBC test screen the other morning. (??)

2008-01-08T20:49:00.011Z

I have an abscess. It's in my right upper wisdom tooth, and my dentist said if I had left it the infection would have traveled up into my brain. People used to die from dental infections all the time in the days before penicillin. If it was a lower wisdom the infection travelled down into the throat and neck making the windpipe swell and causing the victim to suffocate. Infection from the upper teeth goes up into a particular part of the brain, causing rapid blood clots when it gets there. My dentist told me he had known a young lady who died at 23 from what I have because she did not receive treatment in time. I took my first pill there in the chair when the nurse handed me the box! In a couple of weeks, after the penicillin has done it's job, I'll need to have the tooth pulled.

2008-01-05T18:20:00.000Z

I have a massive massive toothache and I am in agony. I have just taken more ibuprofen and I need them to work soon before I go a bit crazy. I can't eat, I don't want to do anything, but I can't do nothing and I can't sleep. So I'm on here trying to get distracted. Emma's got a London Underground game which we might have a go at in a bit, but I can't just yet. I'm feeling really fucking bad.

2008-01-05T11:16:00.004Z

I put my toes through the left knee of my jeans yesterday morning as I was putting them on. I had only been marveling two days before about how I had come to have holes on the insides of the knees, a hole in my left bum cheek, and a hole in the backside, but no wearing in the knees. Now it seems it was on the horizon. A disaster waiting to happen. Like the time a dog chewed my bag strap on a train and the strap broke through a couple of days later. I had to get a cobbler to fix it.

2008-01-03T19:47:00.000Z

I bought a new shower caddy a few weeks back and it is beginning to rust already, so I must ask the question, why would something that has been designed specifically for use in a wet environment be made from a ferrous material?

2008-01-01T17:52:00.004Z

A happy new year to each and every one. I woke up with two men this morning (er). I don't think I got spooned in my sleep. Chris had starry pants. So I got invited out last night after all, over to Tony's (parents') house for a magnificent spread, prepared by Tony and Chris, the like of which I have never been served by anyone. I felt ashamed at my rubbishness. There were 13 of us. We ended the night at The Roundstone. Noses for the scene.

2007-12-29T19:37:00.004Z

They killed off Marion. That was a bit sad.

Another Christmas has been and passed. Another great Christmas spent with my family all together. We spent it at my sisters, and her and Paul are always good hosts and never forget a thing! I don't know how I'd fare if I had to host the proceedings. Perhaps one year I'll get the oppotunity, but not yet. Not till I have a little more room.

I currently have no plans for new years eve (apart from work!), but I think I would like to go out again this year. Suggestions please.

2007-12-28T20:48:00.004Z

I got Nirvana's Unplugged in New York on DVD for Christmas and I've just watched it in it's original entirety. What you get finally is the set uncut as they came out and played it from start to finish, including all the chat between songs.

2007-12-25T08:32:00.003Z

Tis Christmas morning and I am so excited I thought I'd come on here and tell the world, or the (possibly) two people who read this blog, that I am on the mend and can now taste food (most importantly)! My head is no longer going in and out, and I even had a dream about Steve last night in which I did not hate him. Things are looking up. We're just having breakfast and gathering our things to drive to Lib and Paul's. This was our breakfast view:

Have to be going. Merry Christmas!

2007-12-22T00:44:00.005Z

I've just made myself smile by looking up some old dance tunes from back in the day when I worked at the club. Terrible or immense?

2007-12-21T22:00:00.003Z

I'm not sleeping tonight. Something to do with me feeling like I've lost myself a bit lately.

Chris has just become a father to a little baby girl. She is beautiful and Chris is over the moon and so proud. After the turmoil of the early days he has been becoming more and more excited about impending fatherhood, and I know that he will be just wonderful. Also yesterday I found out that my ex house mate is five weeks pregnant. She has just moved in with her boyfriend and his family, and so is in the best place in the world.

I'm going to try to settle down after a little Rufus Wainwright.

2007-12-21T20:07:00.002Z

My head is pounding now but my pain killers are at work. I have warmed up though and Oliver Twist is on in half an hour. I've been watching it with Emma on her new posh telly. I should cheer up then. That Lebanese tasted very very salty, but my taste buds might be playing up.

2007-12-21T16:56:00.002Z

I'm having Lebanese delivered tonight. I got a TakeAwayMenu voucher from work for Christmas and I'm trying something I haven't tried before with it. I was going to go up to Wales tonight after work but there was a change of plan. Actually I've been shivering in bed today and my head is going in and out so that I am having trouble thinking. Still it could be worse. My boss could have tried to make me feel guilty for being ill because we're massively under staffed and have more orders on than we should, and then could have tried to bribe me into staying by saying I wouldn't get paid if I went home. Oh wait....

Cock.

But I am heading up to Wales tomorrow so lets forget it.

No. What winds me up the most is that he thought I was taking the piss by sitting by the radiator in the canteen during overtime, like he actually believed I would try and claim it! I was ill when I left the house this morning at ten to six. I had to stand and wait for my bus which, when it arrived had no heating. I then sat still on the bus for half an hour just watching my breath condensing as it left my nostrils, and when I got off the bus I had another 20 minute minute walk to get to work. It was about minus 2. Well bugger me if it didn't make me worse! "People might see you in there and think it's a bit off when they're working". Do you think I'm still here and allowing Selina to relate your stupid words to me because it's fun for me? Do you think I have a fucking teleportation device in my bag just for emergencies when I'm TOO FUCKING COLD TO LEAVE THIS SHITHOLE OF A GODDAMNED BUILDING TO MAKE THE HOUR AND TWENTY MINUTE TRIP HOME AT ZERO DEGREES WHEN I CAN'T EVEN GET WARM HUGGING A FUCKING RADIATOR? Cock muncher.

2007-12-16T16:18:00.000Z

Yesterday I went to the bank and paid some cheques in, Emma moved in, I put up the new shower curtain rail, and I rearranged my room a bit again. Today I woke up at 1:40 and have done just about nothing since. What a massive waste of a day. If I had woken up earlier I would have gone out for a walk somewhere, but I was rubbish so I didn't. Fugazi are making me feel a bit angsty so I think I need to turn them off and read a nice book.

2007-12-09T09:49:00.003Z

I think I'm starting to win the battle against my cherry reds. Chris was given a pair for his birthday, and it reminded me that I have some also and probably ought to make more of an effort to break them in. I've only worn them out once, the night we saw Maximo play at the Jug of Ale in Birmingham. Other than that I have worn them to the shops a couple of times and come home with heels rubbed raw, but yesterday I donned them for a stroll to pick up some bits and pieces locally and I came back with only one heel slightly sore. Am I winning? Other things I did yesterday include: getting my passport photo taken by a photographer round the corner. It cost me seven squids, but I decided that it was worth paying a little more to get a photo in which I am not bleached out and corpse like, as I have to live with it for the next ten years. So what I got instead was a photo in which my cheeks are rosy, I look very much alive, and I also look almost exactly like my aunt Pauline - Mum will hate it! I also bought a new shower curtain rail, but my plans to install it were scuppered because David could not find the charger for his drill. I have been thwarted. Today I'm sitting in bed with this laptop on my lap (rather fittingly) and watching OC re-runs. Excellent.

2007-12-06T18:44:00.005Z

I had this afternoon off work and got loads done. I bought a pair of shoes for seven pounds, a hair band for £1.50, and a bag for a fiver. I am now set up for the Christmas party. I also visited the doctor and she told me I have an ingrowing toenail and that I will want to have the offending part removed and then the top of my nail bed brushed with phenol at the far edge to stop the nail growing from that point out. I can't wait. (Hey Emma I used sarcasm!)

Check out my handy work. I designed this poster back in the Summer but I have only just been able to get it printed. I used my ticket and an ad from the NME for fonts. Altering fonts because there were no perfect matches took time. The white bits are from the flash. Click on it and it looks pretty good.

2007-12-05T18:56:00.005Z

I've just been a naughty girl and bought myself a Radiohead ticket for June in London. They decided to sell some early today on their website so I took advantage of the not having to bust my arse trying to get one on Friday like everyone else. Radiohead were the other band who along with Interpol (until this year) I had never been able to get tickets for, so I was not going to miss the opportunity, even though I cannot really afford it.

It was Chris's birthday yesterday, and there was a meal for the occasion at Tandoori Nights in Rustington. Chris has now entered his 30th year which is just silly. I know it will be my turn soon!

Saw Interpol for the second time this year on Friday night. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed the newer stuff live, even more than the older stuff which I still probably prefer. What sorely disappointed me was the venue. It was my fourth time at Alexandra Palace and I knew it wasn't a great place to see a band, but on Friday it sunk to new depths. The sound was absolutely appalling. It was like watching a band from the top of an empty stadium. Still it got me out of the house.

Well Christmas is nearly here isn't it. And as usual I'm making the trek up to more northerly climes for the break. I cannot wait. It is my favourite time of year when we are all together as a family. But this year there's something even more exciting happening just a week before; my best friend is moving in here. And with her comes her 500 strong DVD collection, so Vicky will be making regular visits back here for the video nights that we'll surely be having. Good times.

2007-11-17T18:05:00.002Z

I went up to Zan and Ed's last Friday after work and stayed the weekend. We did go out Banksy spotting but most of them have been removed. The angel in the body armour holding the skull is still there. It was just really nice to have a walk around some areas that I haven't visited before. Zan is getting quite a baby bump now.

2007-11-03T21:42:00.003Z

I've just been reading some posts on this blog from a year ago and I was quite funny back then. What's happened to change that is anyone's guess.

Went over to Brighton today purely to go to the cinema and watch films. A while ago Mum sent me some vouchers and I've had them pinned on my cork board waiting for a good moment to use them. I thought I'd missed Control but it was still showing at the Odeon so I snuck in a steak and stilton pastie and sat back. Ratatouille followed.

Mum and Dad are coming down tomorrow and we're going out for lunch. Next weekend I'm going up to London to see Zan and Ed and I hope we can go Banksy hunting in Tower Hamlets; the Council are threatening to paint over them all soon so it's now or never. In fact they might have done so already. I hope not.

Emma stayed over last weekend again and we watched a load of films starting with all three Final Destination films. After putting myself through that I said I wouldn't mind watching some Disney, so we popped over the hall and borrowed House Of Wax from Emma and David. The most gruesome 15 I have ever seen. Did they really need to use Paris?

2007-10-21T11:06:00.002+01:00

Blimey has it been a week? I did go to Petworth last Sunday and it was good to get out, but as I was on the bus going up there I saw where the South Downs Way crosses the main road just south of Washington and I made a decision to get off there next time. That's what I did yesterday and I strolled the six miles to Amberley. I'd had a funny morning. I was picking up a package in the post office when the man I've been passing in the mornings for the last two years walked in. Suddenly we were faced with having to have a conversation. I was left wondering if I'd done myself proud or shamed myself. And I was also left wondering why that mattered.

No I didn't take this picture! The pictures on these pages are usually mine but I was not quick enough with my camera. Actually I was sitting for a moment and writing some things in my notebook when the big beast came to hover over my hands. I was stunned. I thought I was seeing a hummingbird but I knew I couldn't be. Apparently he is a Hummingbird Hawk-Moth and he is sticking around a little late in the season this year.

2007-10-14T09:45:00.002+01:00

Alcohol eh! The little mischief. But feelings of self loathing are fading with the new day. Look outside and see how sunny and nice it is! Besides I already got my comeuppance. I thought it would be funny to put Fall Out Boy on the juke box to piss off Andy near the end of the night, but when we came in from a quick cigarette break they'd turned it off and it made me dream about Pete Wentz, and me being in a massive hurry to get to work on time whilst everything was seemingly conspiring against me. You know those dreams - they're rubbish. And we lost Death From Above 1979.

I'm going to get dressed, make a picnic and go to Petworth to sit in the park.

2007-10-14T00:49:00.003+01:00

It was (work) James's 40th at the Wickbourne Swan tonight and I spent most of the night on the juke box with Andy being a right elitist shit. This is why I don't get drunk anymore. God. I'm drunk.

2007-10-13T05:03:00.001+01:00

I'm going to bring back snoods this Winter.